Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
