I just pynch a tree in the face
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
