I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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