When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
