I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
