Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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