When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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