So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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