What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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