you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
