i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
