There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
