Michael Bay diarrhea
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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