captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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