I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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