Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
