i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
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