hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
