I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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