Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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