If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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