you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text