I can't breathe out the right side of my face
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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