he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
