he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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