My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Randomize
