I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Randomize
