Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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