And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
