dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
