i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
40s are totally the cure
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
