Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
