Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
