my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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