I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
