I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How naked do you want me to be?
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