I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
