she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
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