Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
