no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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