proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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