The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
