I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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