We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
