he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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