She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
