A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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