My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
