Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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