If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
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