Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
