I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
