a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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