I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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