i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
